Sens Treehouse of Horror: Tales of November
Written by: Luke Muise
To Sens fans, November is a cursed time of irredeemable nonsense hockey which we sadly have all come to expect. It simply doesn’t make sense. It’s just a month on the calendar that we all have to live through, but to the Ottawa Senators, it's completely mystifying.
The faces change, the reasons for losing change, but the results remain the same. This franchise is simply terrible in the month of November. So bad, in fact, that I'm convinced that the November Sens are being foisted upon us by some outside force because there’s no way this is happening on its own. What could that outside force be though? Which entity hates the Sens and its fans so much that they’ve placed a cruel curse on the franchise? Well, I’ve got a couple of theories to offer.
Theory One: Pierre Dorion Wished to be an NHL GM on a Cursed Monkey Paw
One possible explanation is that on or before April 10, 2016, while perusing a local thrift store, Pierre Dorion stumbled across what he believed to be a fake monkey paw. He was a talented and valued scout for the Sens - after all, he had pushed the organization to draft Erik Karlsson and look how that turned out. As happy as he was with his current lot in life, Pierre had ambition for more. Perhaps it was a morbid curiosity that drove him to pick up the paw, perhaps part of him wanted to believe it was really bad enough to begin uttering a wish: “I want to be the general manager of the Ottawa Senators.”
A look of horror crept across his face as one of the fingers on the paw began to curl, knuckles cracking as he began to understand what he’d just done. He was going to be the manager, but it was going to come at a cost he couldn't yet conceive. He looked around the empty aisles of the thrift store before tucking the paw into the back of the shelf full of knick-knacks, wondering when he might get a call from Bryan Murray to discuss a possible promotion, but fearing what curse he had surely unleashed.
It wasn’t until years later he would realize what had been taken in exchange for what he’d been given. He thought it might be something personal he could deal with on his own, but he would come to learn the whole franchise would be on the hook for his ambition. He had just given an interview and confidently declared that after years of suffering, the rebuild was over. He’d been on a roll - everyone was calling it “Hot Pierre Summer.” He’d become a sensation. There were t-shirts and everything.
As he turned the corner into his small office at the Canadian Tire Centre, he saw it. The monkey paw, sitting there on his desk, finger still curled, with a copy of the November schedule pulled up on his computer screen. He thought the slow starts were just because the team had been rebuilding, which would make sense, but the message couldn't be clearer: November would be a cursed month, forever.
Maybe Pierre kept it, maybe cast it into the Rideau Canal, maybe it's still tucked away in the bowels of the CTC. Whatever the case, the paw must be found and destroyed. Only then will the curse be lifted.
Theory Two: The 2017-2018 Sens ran afoul of a Coven of Swedish Witches at the Global Series
The Sens were having a great couple of days in Sweden. They had just acquired Matt Duchene after a huge run to the conference finals, they’d beaten Colorado twice to get their season back on track, and now they had a night off to enjoy themselves before flying back to Ottawa. The boys didn't want to do regular tourist stuff, though. They wanted a true Swedish experience, and who better to show them one than THE Swede, Erik Karlsson.
Karlsson agreed to show them something truly wild but said that if anyone asked where they went, he would take them to his favourite meatball spot. He slipped the bus driver a huge tip to keep quiet, then asked him to drive to the Västmanland woods, a definitely super haunted forest a couple of hours from Stockholm.
Karlsson led the team into the woods, navigating the thick brush of the old-growth forest as the lights and sounds of the bus became muffled behind the moss-covered trees. A faint chanting sound could be heard and the light of a large fire grew brighter as they approached a clearing.
Karlsson motioned for them to stop and look down. Below, a whole coven of witches were chanting in tongues around a fire, surrounded by indecipherable runes constructed of sticks and twigs protruding from the ground, casting long shadows that, from above, formed some kind of unknowable symbol. Most of the Senators were entranced, quietly taking things in. Suddenly though, from the back of the group, Cody Ceci couldn’t help but yell out:
“Erik, who are these absolute rockets bud? You gonna introduce me?”
A dozen pairs of glowing yellow eyes shot up at the group of Senators atop the rise. Ceci had interrupted the ritual, and now they all needed to run for their lives. As they ran back to the bus, the witches chased them, hurling vulgar curses and ill omens at the group. In the confusion, one of the Sens (probably Ceci, let’s be real) dropped a lanyard with the words “Property of the Ottawa Senators Hockey Club” printed on it. When one of the witches found it, it was all they needed to know. The ritual would need to be redone, but now it had a new purpose.
Then the next seven years happened, including these particularly devastating Novembers.
This may seem counterintuitive, but the Sens need to get back to Sweden, find the coven, and make things right. Send Brady after their enemies, and have Adam Gaudette bring them an offering of crystals, whatever they want. Convince them to reverse the curse, or pass it along to the Leafs or something, I don't care.
At this point, these are the best theories I’ve got. All of the regular hockey-related stuff simply can’t explain why November is straight-up cursed.
